OMG..this was written in 2010. I've been so unhappy for so long. What is wrong with me?!
Well, I am. I've came to that realization here recently, and I have to say, it doesn't feel good. How do I know I'm a pathetic looser? Heh. Please allow me to submit as evidence the following reasons.
1. I'm not a dram queen. I've learned to pick my battles over the years, especially with the hubby. He tends to immediately jump off the deep end, gets defensive and angry, so I'm good about not nagging about the little things. Occasionally, though, something big happens that does upset me and I try to talk to him about it. He does his usual, defensive and angry, and has even come close to just hanging up on me after a HINT that I might be angry. So what do I do? I stuff down my feelings and try to make amends with him. Like I fucked up. Like I was just over reacting. So, basically, I don't have the RIGHT to ever be upset with him, no matter what he does.
Pathetic. I know I'll never have the guts to stand up for myself, either. Looser.
2. I'm never going to be the most important person in his world. He's never going to stand up for me against his family. If his friends are around, then I'll be forgotten. It's always been this way, it'll always BE this way. Will I leave him though? Nope. Because I'm a pathetic looser that cares more about others happiness than I do my own. I can't just rip apart a family because I "suddenly couldn't handle i anymore". Ha. I can handle it. I can suffer in silence and cry in private then slap on my happy face when we're around others.
3. I know of at least one other man in this world that could possibly love me like I need, but I'm not brave enough to go to him. I dream about it all the time but I'll never do it. I wouldn't cheat on the hubby. This other guy has loved me for years and I've loved him. If ever I find myself single, I will go to him and whatever happens, happens, but until I'm single, I hang onto my vows and honor them. I used to wonder why.
And now I understand.
Its because I'm a pathetic looser.
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