I am a pathetic looser

OMG..this  was written in 2010. I've been so unhappy for so long. What is wrong with me?!

Well, I am. I've came to that realization here recently, and I have to say, it doesn't feel good. How do I know I'm a pathetic looser? Heh. Please allow me to submit as evidence the following reasons.

1. I'm not a dram queen. I've learned to pick my battles over the years, especially with the hubby. He tends to immediately jump off the deep end, gets defensive and angry, so I'm good about not nagging about the little things. Occasionally, though, something big happens that does upset me and I try to talk to him about it. He does his usual, defensive and angry, and has even come close to just hanging up on me after a HINT that I might be angry. So what do I do? I stuff down my feelings and try to make amends with him. Like I fucked up. Like I was just over reacting. So, basically, I don't have the RIGHT to ever be upset with him, no matter what he does.
Pathetic. I know I'll never have the guts to stand up for myself, either. Looser.

2. I'm never going to be the most important person in his world. He's never going to stand up for me against his family. If his friends are around, then I'll be forgotten. It's always been this way, it'll always BE this way. Will I leave him though? Nope. Because I'm a pathetic looser that cares more about others happiness than I do my own. I can't just rip apart a family because I "suddenly couldn't handle i anymore". Ha. I can handle it. I can suffer in silence and cry in private then slap on my happy face when we're around others.

3. I know of at least one other man in this world that could possibly love me like I need, but I'm not brave enough to go to him. I dream about it all the time but I'll never do it. I wouldn't cheat on the hubby. This other guy has loved me for years and I've loved him. If ever I find myself single, I will go to him and whatever happens, happens, but until I'm single, I hang onto my vows and honor them. I used to wonder why.
And now I understand.
Its because I'm a pathetic looser.

What do I want? The impossible

I originally wrote this post in 2014..things have not changed other than I've figured out what an idiot I am. 

I think that's a question we all have to ask ourselves once in a while. What do I want? It sounds selfish, I know. Those of you who know me know that I'm not a selfish person. At least I don't feel like I am.  I feel like I'm more likely to take someone else's feelings into consideration before my own. Or at least give other peoples wants/feelings more weight than mine. Or to adjust something in myself for someone because it's easier than asking them to adjust.

But I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and what I thought it was going to be like and what it actually is. And also if there is anything I can do to change the things I don't like.

What do I want?

I want a man in my life that is sentimental. I want one who saves every note, card or anything I give to him because I mean that much to him. Someone who knows how much those little gestures really mean.
Because I am sentimental. I believe that it's little gestures that show someone how much you care. You can say I love you until you're blue in the face, but unless your actions say the same thing, then those are just words.

I want a man who is sweet and thoughtful. One who doesn't have to be told that a day is special because it is special to him too. I want him to want to do things for me because it makes him happy to make me happy.
Because that's how I am. I do things because I like to see him smile. I like to please him. And I'm happy doing things that make him happy.

I want a man who wants to spend time with me. Someone who can put aside the chores and yard work once in a while and take me on an adventure.Because I would do the same for him. I would surprise him with trips or even just a night away from the house.

All of these things I want from a man, I have already done for the man I have. I just want someone to treat me the way I treat them.

I want the romance to never die. I want him to try to keep the spark alive as much as I try. I want him to fight for me as much as I would fight for him. I want him to SEE me and never take me for granted.

But I know these wants are things that I will never have. Because of the man I chose to be with. Because no matter how many times I've talked to him about it, no matter how many examples I've given or done for him to show him what I want, he doesn't care enough to even try. I get reasons and excuses.
"I wanted to get you flowers but there isn't a florist near work and I don't have time to go on my lunch break to find one."
"I couldn't keep all your letters because there were just so many."
"I don't know if you have plans for after dinner, but I think I'm going to be too stuffed to do anything."

The romance always dies.

So what do I want?
Something that doesn't exist.