Fears & Worries of One Soon to be Mom

76 days til the Crib Lizard™ is due to arrive and I'm finding that the closer I get, the more scared I become. I keep reading these 3rd trimester articles that give tips on how to know if the labor pains are real or just warm ups, what kind of exercises to do in order to prepare my body for birthing, or what to do to avoid tearing. Tearing!!! Every time I see that word my whole body starts shaking.

They want me to create a Personalized Birth plan detailing how I want things handled during the birth. This 'plan' details everything down to what I want done with the placenta. *shudders* I don't really care what is done with the placenta after it comes out and I sure as hell don't want to see it afterwards. I want to hold my Crib Lizard™, cry because he is beautiful, and then cry some more when I see the hubby hold him for the first time. I really don't want to make all these decisions about what kind of monitoring to have, or whether or not to induce labor. I want a health care professional who knows a hell of a lot more about these things to make those decisions for me. Yes, I would like them to be discussed with me and Hubby before he/she starts poking on me or in me, but for the most part I want them to make the best decisions based on my particular situation because, honestly, if I put any thought into half the things on that 'plan' I start getting freaked out.

I don't know if I want pain meds or not. I would like to avoid them, but what if it becomes to much for me to bear? Does that make me a bad person?
Does it make me a bad mom not to want to fill out this birth plan?
Am I terrible because after I read some of these articles I promptly make myself think of something else because I'm so afraid I literally want to cry?

The only things I really care about on that birth plan are 'Separation'; IE: None, I think I would like him in the room with me at all times if he is healthy enough. Sick Infant; wanting unlimited visitation/holding rights, breastfeeding if possible, and if they have to move him to another facility, I want to be moved with him as soon as possible. (Basically all the options listed.) Oh, and the circumcision to be done in the hospital, please use anesthesia, and no, I don't want to watch them cut on my baby boy.

I'm scared that I won't do as well with giving birth as I thought I would. I'm also afraid of any complications that may arise. This pregnancy has gone almost text book since the beginning and I'm afraid of something going wrong right at the end.

I'm worried that there will be something wrong with him when he is born. What are we going to do if he is autistic or has down syndrome? What if he isn't 'perfect'? What if he is blind, deaf or both? What if he has 11 toes?

I'm worried about the excessive bleeding that I should expect for 4 to 6 weeks after he is delivered. I have gone 9 months with out a period and now I'll have one really big long one to make up for it. Why this worries me after having almost 13 years of heavy periods, I don't know. It just does. I never claimed this post was going to be rational.

I'm scared about how I'm going to be able to cover bills while I'm off on maternity leave. Although I have a pretty sound financial plan worked out in my head, what if something happens that throws that plan into the shitter, like a big problem with the house or something like that? My truck has already died on me and now we have to buy something newer, which we were planning on doing anyways because we wanted a 4 door for when the Crib Lizard™ arrived, but now its something we have to do soon, not something we could take care of when we felt financially sound for it.

I'm worried about what I'm going to do do with the Crib Lizard™ after I go back to work. My boss said they are willing to work with me, and maybe I can drop down to part time until he is old enough to go to a preschool, but will I be able to afford to live like that for a couple of years?

I'm scared about depending on the Hubby for every little thing for a couple of weeks. I have always been so self efficient, never really relying on him for anything other than just love and support. Now he is going to be in charge of dinner, doing the clean up, babying me and the Crib Lizard™, and be the sole provider for our family for a few months. I feel terrible putting all that pressure on him. I'm not worried that he will leave us, but I am worried about the stress its going to put on him. I don't want him to be stressed. I want him to be happy and enjoy being around me and his son.

Ma says not to worry, to lay all my troubles on his shoulders and let him carry the burden for a while, since I get to carry the little one. The Hubby agrees with her. He is incredibly sweet and understanding to even want to do that, but I can't put it all on him. These are my worries and fears and although I may share them with him I could never let them go completely on Hubby. I don't know how to give them up like that and trust in someone else to take care of everything.

I don't want you all to worry about me. (Good lord, there is enough worry in this post to freak out even the most worrisome of worry warts. Please don't add to it.)
I don't walk around looking all worried all the time. Far from. Most of the time I don't even think about this stuff and I'm the same Anj you all know and love. Actually, most of you probably wouldn't even know I was having these fears just by looking at me or spending time with me. I do exactly what I mentioned before, I just try not to think about it or dwell on any of these fears and I can still function normally everyday. I don't lay awake in bed at night and fret over these things. I don't talk to Ma, Hubby, or anyone else about them. Well, not much. I just needed to get these worries and fears off of my chest today and I figured this was the best forum for it.

I know in the end, no matter what happens, that everything will be fine. I'll be okay, the Crib Lizard™ (no matter how he turns out) will be perfect in my mind and all these worries are really for nothing. Does that stop them from creeping up on me every now and then? Of course not, but then I would be worried if I wasn't worried. It's a vicious cycle. :o)