I don't know where to start. My mind is all over the place these days. I feel like there is some deep thinking I need to do, but I can't seem to find the time to do it. Maybe that's why I'm reaching out here. Why I'm firing up the blog after all these years. It is interesting to see where I was during the "height" of this and where I am now. And its easier to work thru my thoughts when writing them down.
I left the man that was breaking my heart and joined with another who does better about keeping my heart safe. I am in love with him, madly in love with him. He is thoughtful and generous and spoils me. He TRIES and that's what is most important to me. As long as he tries, I will keep trying too. Neither of us are perfect and I think we're both trying to figure out how to be in a healthy relationship. Its been almost 5 years and I still feel crazy about him. I want to keep that feeling for as long as I can.
The thing is, the world is a crazy place right now. I'm struggling financially, but a lot of people are. I find my temper to be a lot shorter than before, but there again, a lot of people are experiencing that. Our country is polarized and I greatly fear for the state of our future. I just keep feeling like if I could only think deep enough, things will make sense. Or my brain and heart will settle down.
As I read through the posts I have published and the ones I haven't, I see how far I have come but now I feel like I've reached a plateau. I've got probably the best job I've ever had. Great company, big, lots of opportunities. But I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. I'm not doing anything with my life. I feel lost. I need to sit down and think and pray and find the path that I'm supposed to be on. I need to figure out how to provide for me and the crib lizard (who turns 16 this year). I need to learn how to be more confident in myself. I need to learn to not care so much about things that are out of my control. I need to focus on what is actually important and find solutions to those issues. How to make more money to live more comfortably. How to pull my credit score back up so I can buy a new car, a house etc someday. How to let go all the insecurity I have inside and not be so needy. How to be healthier. Quit smoking and stick to it. Exercise. Take better care of the house and myself and the kid. Write more. I do always feel better when I'm writing. I'm going to spend some time tonight thinking about all these things and what I can do. Make a plan and start executing it. Maybe if I get healthier physically, it will help with me mentally. Maybe I'll be more confident. I need to replace my bad habits (smoking, laziness) and replace them with healthier habits (working out, being tidier at home) Try to bring peace to my environment and my body and maybe that will help bring peace to my mind.
I have to do something though. I cannot continue on like I have been. Nothing changes if nothing changes and I'm the only one that can make those changes for me.
