My brain feels full today. All kinds of thoughts are swirling through my mind, so maybe by putting some of them down, I can clear it out and be able to be my usual clever, quick witted self.
Traffic; Sigh. I already miss being able to come into work before 7. Since the kid is back in school I cannot even drop him off before 7 so I'm back in the midst of traffic hell. Every day I see people on the freeway doing stupid, inconsiderate things. This morning there was a semi truck, with a big ole trailer doing a good 70 mph, rode out this lane that was clearly going to end and squeezed his way in between me and the semi behind me. I saw a guy shoot across 3 lanes of traffic right before a stop light like he forgot he needed to turn left there. People ride each other's asses and get all pissed off and I wonder why. Why the hell are we rushing and fighting to get to jobs that we probably hate?! Why cause that kind of stress when we're going to spend ALL DAY stressed at our jobby jobs? It's just frustrating and I find myself getting caught up in it. I have to make myself calm the fuck down and realize that these fucktards on the freeway aren't worth getting my blood pressure too high.
Grandpa; He wants to go home and live alone, but he doesn't want to take care of himself. It's been weighing on me thinking that if he goes home, it might be the last time I see him alive. I get that everyone is like that. No one is promised tomorrow and anytime you talk to someone, it could be the last time. I just wonder if the reason why he isn't taking care of himself is because he tired of living. Mom and her siblings are all at the ends of their patience with him and I can't say anything because I don't see him every day and I don't have to deal with his ungratefulness. The whole deal has got me torn up. This was the man sister and I spent summers with. We're his "lovies" and it's going to be an incredibly sad time when we lose him. I wonder if the rest of the family is thinking about that.
Dogs: I miss Midnight. Every day.
Boys; Boys are Dumb. Boys make me Dumb too. Things are good with the hubby these days but that's because I've changed. I've accepted that I had un-realistic expectations about what my marriage was supposed to be. I've had this idea of a traditional marriage in my head for so many years that I felt like my marriage wasn't right or good. Well, it is what it is. The hubby is not romantic, he doesn't care about anniversary's, and he really doesn't like to go out. That doesn't mean that I can't read romance novels (or write them) or do something special for myself for my bday or anniversary, and if I want to go out, I can with out him. No big deal. I finally figured out that typical marriages are more like a business agreement than like a romance novel. I am thankful that he's home all the time and not out cheating on me. He does take care of the kid and I and he's always there for us. Expecting anything more than that is just pure fantasy.
Speaking of fantasy, I wish I could turn mine off sometimes. I do still think about what it would be like to be single. To have my own place, the kid just part of the time (which I think would be hard. I always miss him so much when he's gone for the summer) to not have to worry about anniversary's anymore. I used to think that I would most likely get right back into another relationship, but sometimes I think that if that were to happen, he would have to be something special. I don't want an average marriage again. I don't doubt I'd date (my self-esteem wished to say at this moment that I'd should qualify that last comment by saying IF I could find someone to date me. I've told that bitch to shut the fuck up, though) I fantasize about men I know as well and I know that's okay, probably even healthy, but I know that they'll never come true and even if they did, how the hell would I handle it?! I have no idea how to date anymore. I can flirt with the best of them, but to actually act on it, I'm afraid I'd be pretty fracking awkward. If I ever did find myself back in the dating pool, I'd totally have to read up on the protocols.
Me: When I look in the mirror I wonder how the hell anyone wants to be around me. I see this horrible looking person who has a good personality, yeah, but well, I'm goofy looking. There isn't anything about me that is unique or special. I am just like everyone else and while I suppose there isn't anything wrong with that (and actually as a teenager, you WANT to be like everyone else) I wish there was something special about me. Something that made people glad they know me. Something that would make me stand out but in a good way.
I know that I'm just in a weird mood today and probably slightly depressed, but I know tomorrow will be better. I know I'm loved by my friends and family. I love my job, my house, and my life, for the most part. But as my friend, Charles, likes to say "women are never happy"
This seemed to help...a little.
