Anticipations and Excitment of a Soon to be Mom

Leah has a very good point. Fears and Worries are not the only emotions I feel right now, and I do think I should write some of the things that I enjoy or look forward to. Being pregnant isn’t all worries. I have had moments of extreme joy and excitement at the impending arrival of our little boy.

I remember feeling incredibly excited at hearing his heart beat for the first time. The doc had to hunt for 10 minutes just to find it. At first all we heard was my steady heart beating, and then all of a sudden there was this faint, fast little beat on top of mine. It sounded like a train chugging at full speed! I looked over at the Hubby and he was grinning from ear to ear. It was incredible to share that moment with him and to know that yes, there really is a little person growing inside me. I think that was the first moment that it really hit home that I was pregnant. Every appointment since then I have heard his heart beating, and although it has slowed a lot since that first time, it's still reassuring to me to hear it everytime.

Another really neat thing is feeling that little one kick and move inside me. At first I could barely even feel anything, like a flutter of butterfly wings in my belly, but within a month or so, I was positive what I was feeling was the Crib Lizard™ moving and kicking me. I could see some kicks on the outside of my belly! Its a tad disturbing to see my belly flex outward really quick in one tiny spot then return to normal. The little guy used to get shy around the Hubby, so he didn’t get to feel his son move for the first time til about a month ago. Right now, this is what I like best about being pregnant. I love feeling him move all day long and I don’t even mind when the kicks or punches are hard. He has his quiet days too, which I don’t care for, but I guess it’s his way of giving me a little time to rest up for the next batch of internal calisthenics. Yesterday he was very active all day and I think he even got the hiccups for a little while. It’s amazing that he isn’t even here yet and I am already getting used to his schedule and reading his moves. I’m going to miss not feeling that closeness after he is born.

Watching him move on the ultrasound was incredible, too. Its one thing to feel it, but entirely another to see it happen right before my eyes! I got to see him yawn, stretch and kick in the hour or so that was just my mom and I. Then when everyone else came in (the Grandpa's, Grandma Armijo and the Hubby) I let the tech turn the monitor so they could all see. Later Grandma A. told me that the Crib Lizard™ waved, flexed his little arms, and moved lots for them.

It’s hard to put into words the level of excitement I feel towards him getting here. I can‘t hardly wait to look into his little eyes, see his little hands, fingers, feet and toes. He is a little miracle of ours and Gods creation. I look forward to seeing the hubby hold him for the first time. He has very limited experience with little one’s, especially baby’s that new, but I know in my heart he is going to do perfectly fine. I can only imagine the look on the Hubby’s face when they place his son in his arms for the first time. I sometimes wonder if the Hubby will be nervous, if he will get tears in his eyes, or will he just be all smiles and blue cigars.

I look forward to hearing the Crib Lizard™ smile and laugh for the first time. There is nothing in this world like the laughter of a baby. They don’t hold back and they don’t care what people think. I challenge anyone to hear and see a baby laugh and not laugh with them. Last night I dreamt I was blowing raspberries on the Crib Lizards™ belly. He was laughing and giggling so hard and so was I, to the point where I woke myself up laughing.

You may remember me talking about the really vivid dreams at the onset of my pregnancy. All thru the second trimester they seemed to chill out a little, but now they are getting vivid again, and I have to admit, most of the time I dream of the Crib Lizard™. I have dreamt of him talking to me, explaining to me that he wanted to build a VW Bug Convertible. (the hubby being a car guy, agreed to that, but said it would depend on how old he was when he made the request. Grandpa Armijo has a few ‘donor’ bugs that he would probably be willing to part with for his Grandson.) I’ve dreamt about talking to him in baby talk and him talking back in baby talk (also resulting in lots of giggling from both of us) and then the recent raspberry dream. I love those dreams and sometimes I wonder if he is dreaming of me.

Most of all, I look forward to sharing my life with this little guy. I know that life is going to be hard sometimes, and that I’m not always going to ‘like’ being a mother, but I think I will always ‘love’ it, just like I will always love him. This is going to be one of the greatest adventures of my life, although I'm not too 'rosey-eyed' to know that life isnt always going to be easy and care free, I wouldn't trade him for anything in the heavens or on Earth.

I can already picture him getting on the bus for his first day of school, his first girl friend, graduating high school, and getting married. I like to imagine what he will look like and wonder if he will like music like I do, or be a great artist like his dad. I look forward to watching his personality develop. I wonder if he will be a class clown or a serious student. Will he have an imagination like mine or be a little more ‘down to Earth’ like his dad? These are the things I think about before I go to sleep.

So, you see? I'm not all worries and fear. I think I'm more excited than anything else. There is so much to look farward to and I know that with the support of my Hubby and our wonderful family, we will be able to get thru any hardships that may come our way.

Fears & Worries of One Soon to be Mom

76 days til the Crib Lizard™ is due to arrive and I'm finding that the closer I get, the more scared I become. I keep reading these 3rd trimester articles that give tips on how to know if the labor pains are real or just warm ups, what kind of exercises to do in order to prepare my body for birthing, or what to do to avoid tearing. Tearing!!! Every time I see that word my whole body starts shaking.

They want me to create a Personalized Birth plan detailing how I want things handled during the birth. This 'plan' details everything down to what I want done with the placenta. *shudders* I don't really care what is done with the placenta after it comes out and I sure as hell don't want to see it afterwards. I want to hold my Crib Lizard™, cry because he is beautiful, and then cry some more when I see the hubby hold him for the first time. I really don't want to make all these decisions about what kind of monitoring to have, or whether or not to induce labor. I want a health care professional who knows a hell of a lot more about these things to make those decisions for me. Yes, I would like them to be discussed with me and Hubby before he/she starts poking on me or in me, but for the most part I want them to make the best decisions based on my particular situation because, honestly, if I put any thought into half the things on that 'plan' I start getting freaked out.

I don't know if I want pain meds or not. I would like to avoid them, but what if it becomes to much for me to bear? Does that make me a bad person?
Does it make me a bad mom not to want to fill out this birth plan?
Am I terrible because after I read some of these articles I promptly make myself think of something else because I'm so afraid I literally want to cry?

The only things I really care about on that birth plan are 'Separation'; IE: None, I think I would like him in the room with me at all times if he is healthy enough. Sick Infant; wanting unlimited visitation/holding rights, breastfeeding if possible, and if they have to move him to another facility, I want to be moved with him as soon as possible. (Basically all the options listed.) Oh, and the circumcision to be done in the hospital, please use anesthesia, and no, I don't want to watch them cut on my baby boy.

I'm scared that I won't do as well with giving birth as I thought I would. I'm also afraid of any complications that may arise. This pregnancy has gone almost text book since the beginning and I'm afraid of something going wrong right at the end.

I'm worried that there will be something wrong with him when he is born. What are we going to do if he is autistic or has down syndrome? What if he isn't 'perfect'? What if he is blind, deaf or both? What if he has 11 toes?

I'm worried about the excessive bleeding that I should expect for 4 to 6 weeks after he is delivered. I have gone 9 months with out a period and now I'll have one really big long one to make up for it. Why this worries me after having almost 13 years of heavy periods, I don't know. It just does. I never claimed this post was going to be rational.

I'm scared about how I'm going to be able to cover bills while I'm off on maternity leave. Although I have a pretty sound financial plan worked out in my head, what if something happens that throws that plan into the shitter, like a big problem with the house or something like that? My truck has already died on me and now we have to buy something newer, which we were planning on doing anyways because we wanted a 4 door for when the Crib Lizard™ arrived, but now its something we have to do soon, not something we could take care of when we felt financially sound for it.

I'm worried about what I'm going to do do with the Crib Lizard™ after I go back to work. My boss said they are willing to work with me, and maybe I can drop down to part time until he is old enough to go to a preschool, but will I be able to afford to live like that for a couple of years?

I'm scared about depending on the Hubby for every little thing for a couple of weeks. I have always been so self efficient, never really relying on him for anything other than just love and support. Now he is going to be in charge of dinner, doing the clean up, babying me and the Crib Lizard™, and be the sole provider for our family for a few months. I feel terrible putting all that pressure on him. I'm not worried that he will leave us, but I am worried about the stress its going to put on him. I don't want him to be stressed. I want him to be happy and enjoy being around me and his son.

Ma says not to worry, to lay all my troubles on his shoulders and let him carry the burden for a while, since I get to carry the little one. The Hubby agrees with her. He is incredibly sweet and understanding to even want to do that, but I can't put it all on him. These are my worries and fears and although I may share them with him I could never let them go completely on Hubby. I don't know how to give them up like that and trust in someone else to take care of everything.

I don't want you all to worry about me. (Good lord, there is enough worry in this post to freak out even the most worrisome of worry warts. Please don't add to it.)
I don't walk around looking all worried all the time. Far from. Most of the time I don't even think about this stuff and I'm the same Anj you all know and love. Actually, most of you probably wouldn't even know I was having these fears just by looking at me or spending time with me. I do exactly what I mentioned before, I just try not to think about it or dwell on any of these fears and I can still function normally everyday. I don't lay awake in bed at night and fret over these things. I don't talk to Ma, Hubby, or anyone else about them. Well, not much. I just needed to get these worries and fears off of my chest today and I figured this was the best forum for it.

I know in the end, no matter what happens, that everything will be fine. I'll be okay, the Crib Lizard™ (no matter how he turns out) will be perfect in my mind and all these worries are really for nothing. Does that stop them from creeping up on me every now and then? Of course not, but then I would be worried if I wasn't worried. It's a vicious cycle. :o)

Week 27 of (hopefully) 40

Damn, my ass is getting big. To be fair, though, there isn’t a part of me that hasn’t grown, so I guess it balances out. Sigh. I'm beginning my third trimester this week. At least I think that's how it breaks down. Babyzone.com says that the third trimester is "from 24 weeks until 40 weeks or 'term'" where as msn.com lists the 27th week as the first week in the third trimester. *shrug* Either way, I'm in the home stretch.

As I'm typing, little James is kicking in my belly. He is an active little guy today. He must have really liked those French toast sticks I ate this morning.

I'm enjoying being pregnant more now than I was in the beginning. I think that's because I know it’s a 'him', I can feel him kick, and I'm getting closer to the end. Ha ha! My emotions have settled down somewhat, and my dreams are a lot less vivid and weird. Although, I still have to be careful of what I watch before bed, otherwise I end up dreaming some twisted, distorted thing involving the MythBusters crew. I love how everyone keeps telling me how I glow and how cute I look, but honestly, it’s been hard for me to be this big. I look at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower and wonder how the hubby can find me attractive. We haven't had sex/made love in weeks. I don't know if that's because he is afraid to, or he really doesn't find me attractive anymore. The entire time we have been together I have been this skinny little thing and now, as you can see above, I have quite the profile. (As Grandpa likes to say) I know it’s not permanent, and mom keeps reminding me I won't be pregnant forever, it’s just been hard to adjust to.
I'm really looking forward to James getting here. Hubby can then feel like he is more included in the whole experience. I ask him how he is doing with everything and he says he is fine. He really isn’t the type of guy to talk about his feelings, so even if he was feeling left out, I can't say for sure that he would tell me about it. Honestly, I feel like all this attention is on me and he just gets pushed to the side. The hubby is as much a part of this as I am! I try to keep him involved as much as possible; inviting him to the check ups, telling him about things I'm going thru, trying to get little James to move so he could feel it. He has seen my belly move, but he hasn't actually felt it yet. Every time Hubby puts his hands on my belly, James stops moving. Poor guy! I'm sure there will be a lot more opportunities for him to feel his son move in the next three months. Especially if James keeps going like he is today! I just wish there was more I could do to keep hubby involved. I'm looking forward to James arriving so that the Hubby can hold him, play with him, and be more involved with him.
Maybe I should be cherishing these precious few months of having James all to myself. I am not that selfish though, and I want to share him with the world. I wonder if that will change once he gets here.
Anyways.....
Hope you guys enjoy the picture. I have a couple with out my tongue hanging out, but I figured this one was so 'me'. Love you all and hope you all are doing well.


Oh and by the way: Leah, thanks for staying on my ass about blogging. :o) Love you too, girl.